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06 October 2010 @ 09:15 am
I had a very powerful meditation on the train, I felt very connected and was thoughtless for several moments throughout my morning walk to school. I have such powerful experiences, yet I still use the bad habits that cause me grief sometimes. I wonder how I can fully embody change that can happen when I fully give myself to the process of meditation. I want to become a living meditation, the problem is that I am scared and don't fully give myself to the process. I am scared to let go of my bad habits, I fear that letting go of the material world will mean no pleasure. I find smoking pleasurable, I have a mental attachment to it, but meditation is going beyond the mind and my attachments, they are all mind and body, they are not the spirit which I desire to embody.  These perceived fears and emotions. They are not ME as a reflection of the universe. It is a mental trap which the world can fall in to without the awakening of spirituality within.

I know I can change though. I have. I used to binge and purge several times throughout the day. I was hospitalized twice and never expected to fully give up this habit. This was before I found meditation, before I knew about the subtle system and let the process of self-realization and the awakening of this system take place. Before this time, I experienced some dark moments, but the reason they were so dark was because my subtle system energy flow wasn't there to provide me with support. After meditating every day by practicing sahaja meditation, I felt the difference. I felt awakened. It's there! I swear it is. There is a system within each of us that can be awakened. I know what to do in order to stop the smoking habit that I've had for some time. I just have to meditate and truly let myself experience the living embodiment of meditation.

Meditation can be so powerful. I feel connected, I feel amazing and wonderful. I know that it's important because I've changed so much already. I think less, and what I think doesn't cause me too much grief. I'm not always in my mind and I'm able to look and view the world around me as a representation of indescribable God. I look around and I see buildings, trees, everything, and I think 'the universe, god' I feel the universes presence. I feel connected.  
05 October 2010 @ 06:28 pm
Gah, I feel very gross. I have my period, and my desire to meditate sinks, it doesn't exist. I just hurry about with this underlying feeling of disgust. I have no joy at the moment. My swadisthan chakra is enflamed and heated, and I feel the rage from having the chakra blocked. Yet I have no desire to meditate. This proves to me how powerful this meditation is.

Consistently today, I have felt more anger then I have most days. Because I didn't meditate this morning, I feel more anger, sadness, I feel like I'm hiding all my feelings by action. I'm right sided, and then left sided. I'm not balanced. I feel like it is difficult to do anything. I don't have energy. I feel like I'm walking around with a haze over my eyes. I'm still going to meditate today, I might drop by group meditation, I might not too.

I feel like I once did. I can see the difference in myself. There is a need to be spiritual, to awaken mother kundalini and ask for her to cleanse us.
30 September 2010 @ 01:05 pm
Today has been a beautiful blessed day. I meditated in the morning and last night. I had a lot to do but I managed it productively. I am still worried about my future a lot. It's on my mind often, I have to learn to let go and let the worries about the future be solved by the universe. It usually always works itself out and it makes sense. Every single moment of the past, I must have survived because I'm still here today and life has always worked itself out, the solutions have always come up. There's a universal process that I'm a part of. I know I will be taken care of, I just have to be present for it. 

It's hard to believe this for some reason. I guess my mind is attached to the idea that my life has not gone smoothly. My memories are getting the best of me. I guess my false perceptions of them. Not a spiritual perception, but rather, a mental perception. I am attached to these bouts of depression or anxiety, which in fact is not me, but rather my minds perceptions, it's false outputs of a possibly beautiful experience. The experience had not changed, but solely my view on it. If I were troubled by such experiences that had once caused such intense depressive experiences, I would not feel the same about them. I feel such perpetual joy these days that I might handle them with ease. So why must I attach to this idea that my life has not gone smoothly? Indeed it has, I am now able to recognize it and live it.
28 September 2010 @ 09:54 pm
I am currently aware that I may be teetering the lin e of overexertion. My expectation of staying up maybe the culprit, but I wasn't able to accomplish what I needed earlier in the day, so now I'm stuck, forced to stay up late. Or am I? I went to group meditation today, we changed locations, something about the change made me feel like the meditation wasn't going to be good. We used to have a center that I was so pleased with, but I should remind myself that meditation is meditation and it doesn't matter where I'm meditating. So basically, I've been  meditating for about a year and have been practicing sahaja meditation which has been great. I believe everything, I believe it.